Skills Jokes / Recent Jokes

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS: I''m usually on Prozac. When I''m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG
COMMUNICATION & ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I''M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I''ve used Microsoft Office.
I''M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don''t ask me about all the McJobs I''ve had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I''M BALANCED AND CENTERED: I''ll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I''M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I''M WILLING TO RELOCATE: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere''s better.
I''M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a more...

Clarification Of Corporate LingoEmployer's Lingo:"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors." JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you." CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings." MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day." SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend." DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around." MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control." CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way)." APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled." NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality." SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY more...

Women think they already know everything, but wait... training
courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and more...

College Classes For Men:
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back more...

College Classes For Men:1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference! 6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore! 9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels! 13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper! 14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the more...

Here’s a little clarification of corporate lingo.
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you+-
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED:
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE more...

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS........... Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS........... Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE.................... Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED........ Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY.............. Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY..................... Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY........... Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER.................. Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING...................... Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER..................... Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE.......................... Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS........ Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL........... Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL...... A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES............ Is tall or has a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT........ Lucky
KEEN more...