Smith Jokes / Recent Jokes
A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment."Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spendsthree hours every night in your apartment?"Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and atonic for me."
Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But is was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:
"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds more...
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." - Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" - David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." - A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" - H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." - Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The more...
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently
of no value to us."
-Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
-Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
-Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is
a fad that won't last out the year."
-The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall,
1957
"But what... is it good for?"
-Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM,
1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no more...
"Today class," the teacher said, "we will be studying words that have three syllables. Which of you would care to give an example?"
Little Johnny immediately threw his hand up in the air, "Me, Miss Smith, please pick me."
"Ok, Johnny, let's hear your example of a three syllable word," said Miss Smith.
"How about... masturbate?" said Johnny.
"My goodness, very good Johnny. That's a mouthful," exclaimed Miss Smith.
"Oh no, Miss Smith," replied Johnny. "You're thinking about a blow job."
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, “I’m going to give you each $30, 000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me. ”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said “I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10, 000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20, 000 in the coffin. ”
The physician then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, more...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete theirplaying time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is."Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"Rippington says, "I'll tell him."