Steal Jokes / Recent Jokes
Recently, I bought a cartridge for my printer. It came in a box mounted on a card and wrapped in plastic. When I took it apart, I found that the printer
cartridge itself was actually quite small, but they made the packaging unnecessarily large to make it harder to steal and to make the customer feel better about the high price.
I pointed this out to my wife and mentioned how my weight gain over the years of our marriage should have the same effect: It made me seem more valuable and also made me harder for other women to steal.
She's still laughing.
Compiled by Harold Reynolds and updated on December 6, 1994
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed now; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure more...
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of them absent. To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work. Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become what they are capable of being. Trust everybody…then cut the cards. Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. Two heads are more numerous than one.
Words of Wisdom!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. * A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. * Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. * For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. * He who hesitates is probably right. * Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. * No one is listening until you make a mistake. * Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view. * The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it. * The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. * The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach. * To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. * To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. * Two wrongs are only the beginning. * You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. * The problem with the gene pool is that there is no more...
Paul was not the brightest guy around. Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.
Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn't happen again.
He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it.
So, one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough, there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.
The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.
His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation.
"Well," explained Paul, "I took my old way home last night so I could beat those guys up who used to steal my money."
His instructor said, "What happened?"
Paul more...
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each more...
Santa and Banta are walking home after a night on the piss. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot.
Santa has a brainwave and says to Banta, "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".
Banta breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Santa is wondering what the hell he's doing.
Eventually Santa sticks his head around the door and sees Banta running from bus to bus and looking very worried.
"What the hell are you doing, get a move on!"
To which Banta replies, "I can't find a number 25B anywhere".
Whereupon Santa, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts, "You idiot, steal a number 27 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"