Steal Jokes / Recent Jokes
How to Tell if You're a Grinch
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy). If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points.
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day more...
S T. C R O I X F A L L S, Wis.? If at first you don't succeed, steal, steal again.
At least that's what police say a Minnesota man did after they foiled his alleged felony theft of a St. Croix Falls, Wis., Wal-Mart store.
James Casarez was charged with shoplifting a toy car, pellet pistol, phone and other items from the store last June, and possessing items that could be used to set up a methamphetamine lab. The 36-year-old man then swiped the items again, this time from the police station, authorities said.
Two days after Casarez was arrested and released, St. Croix Falls police found a window smashed at the station, and an officer reported that the goods allegedly stolen by Casarez were missing.
After an investigation, police charged Casarez with burglarizing the police station, St. Croix Falls Police Officer Erin Murphy said.
"It could happen anywhere," Murphy said, "and he was more...
CAT MIRACLE DIET: Most diets fail because we are still thinking and eating like people. For those us who have never had any success dieting. Well now there is the new Miracle Cat Diet!
Except for cats that eat like people - such as getting lots of table scraps - most cats are long and lean (or tiny and petite). the Cat Miracle Diet will help you achieve the same lean, svelte figure. Just follow this diet for one week and you’ll find that you not only look and feel better, but you will have a whole new outlook on what con- stitutes food. Good Luck!
DAY ONE Breakfast: Open can of expensive gourmet cat food. Any flavor as long as it cost more than. 75 per can - and place 1/4 cup on your plate. Eat 1 bite of food; look around room disdainfully. Knock the rest on the floor. Stare at the wall for awhile before stalking off into the other room.
Lunch: Four blades of grass and one lizard tail. Throw it back up on the cleanest carpet in your house.
Dinner: Catch a moth more...
Which villains steal soap from the bath? Robber ducks.
* FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
* PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
* BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: Your cows are cared for by former chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the rules say you should need.
* FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
* PURE COMMUNISM: You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need." Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
* RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You take care of them but the government takes all the milk. You more...
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
* He who hesitates is probably right.
* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
* No one is listening until you make a mistake.
* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
* Two wrongs are only the beginning.
* You never really learn to swear until you learn to more...