Stone Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two blondes were walking down the road. One of them picked a stone and put it near her ears. The other blonde ask her what she's doing?
She replied' 'I'm listening to rock''.
Then she started to roll the stone.
The other asked "What are you doing now?"
She replied "Listening to rolling stones."

This black guy was walking by a lake. Sitting next to the lake was an old Chinese guy skipping stones off the water. As he did, they made a sound. They sounded like this Change----Chang-Long. The black guy was amazed. He asked the Chinaman how he did that. The Chinaman said, "this is an enchanted lake". When you skip a small stone across the water, it tells you about your immediate ancestry. When you skip a larger stone, it tells you about your ancient ancestry. The Chinaman then picked up a larger stone and skipped cross the water. Long---Dong-Chow was the sound. The black guy picked up a stone and skipped across the water. Chim---Pan-Ze was the sound. "BULL SHIT" he said and threw anotherChim---Pan-Ze again. Really pissed now, he picked up the largest rock he could and threw it into the water Ba---Boon!

One day Bobby and Joey were having a catch by the river. Bobby threw the ball and it went over Joey's head and down by the river. Joey said "I'll go get it." After five minutes Joey did not return so Bobby went after him.

Bobby found him hiding behind a large rock by the river. Bobby said, "What are you doing down here?"

Joey said "Shhh! Look in the river."

Bobby looked to find a young woman skinny-dipping in the river. They sat there watching for about 15 seconds and Bobby ran away. Joey went after him and, after he caught him, said "What the hell are you doing! We were just watching a NAKED woman swimming! Why did you run away?"

And Bobby said "Well, my mom said that if I look at a naked woman I will turn to stone and I felt something get hard!"

Q: Whats the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Excerpted from the Columbus Dispatch, (compiled by Accent staff) 5/15/91:

"Accent asked students at Columbus' Beck School, and Dublin's Chapman
Elementary to study a list of 20 axioms with the key words missing."

-If you can't stand the heat, get a Pool.
-If you can't stand the heat, get out of the oven.
-A bird in the hand is messy.
-Don't count your chickens, eat them.
-You can't teach an old dog new math.
-When in Rome, do Roman numerals in math.
-When in Rome, do bulls run around town?
-Too many cooks, so little meals.
-A fool and his money are my best friends.
-A penny saved is one cent.
-Look before you run into a pole.
-A watched pot never disappears.
-A rolling stone makes you flat.
-A rolling stone is a singing rock group.
-Every cloud has a wet spot.

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.
The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away.
The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!"
The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes.
Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!"