Store Jokes / Recent Jokes

Here are six reasons why you should think before you
speak the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back... or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed more...

Chong was studying Engineering in Britain. He soon began missing his fried rice, so one day he walked into a corner Greek store to order a takeaway. But Chong had difficulty rolling his R's and stressing his L's, so when he went into the store, he said, "I want some flied lice." "What?" said the Greek store owner. "Flied lice,"repeated Chong. "Hey, listen to this!" the nasty store owner told the others in the shop. "What is it you want, sonny? Say it again." And Chong said it again, they all laughed. This happened every time Chong went into the store to order fried rice. One day, Chong decided to show them a thing or two, so he spent a whole week practicing. Confidently, he strolled into the Greek store. "Oh, it's you again. We missed you," said the store owner," said the store owner exaggeratedly. "Now what would you like?" "Fried Rice, thanks," said Chong. A stunned silence fell over the store. more...

Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern States
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: “Y’all” is singular, “All y’all” is plural, and “All y’alls’” is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing “You ain’t from around here, are ya? ”
5. You may hear a Southerner say “Oughta! ” to a dog or child. This is short for “Y’all oughta not do that! ” and is the equivalent of saying “No! more...

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, more...

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY A repeat offender got alife sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Martstore. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned hispetty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than threeyears ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for lifewithout the possibility of parole.INSULT TO INJURY An unemployed sanitationworker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. Ina drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun wentoff, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someoneelse had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in hisunderwear. Cops ruled the shooting accidental, but the man more...

About this time last year, I was sitting in my dentist's office waiting to have a root canal done, when I noticed a flyer (advertisement) for a "personal dental drill". After some interesting images went through my head, I asked the receptionist if they really sold these things and she said yes.
Well, it was three days before Christmas and I hadn't gotten the secretary in the office (Vivian) a present yet, so I bought one.
When I got home, I realized that there was no literature in the little package - no warranty card, no instruction, no nothing - so I wrote some. Below is the promotional flyer that came with Vivian's.
Thank you for purchasing the "digger" personal dental drill from ACME Corp., makers of do it yourself dental devices since 1939.
We hope you will get years of satisfaction from your new drill. The enclosed instruction manual provides step by step instructions for performing a variety of dental procedures from simple cavaties to root more...

(An amusing anecdote from the Jan 26 San Jose Mercury News.)
Nearly everyone knows that Judith Martin, better known as Miss
Manners, the syndicated columnist, is exceedingly correct. Last
week, she saw an advertisement in the newspaper that a Maryland
jewelry store was having a sale in her silver pattern. Upon arriving
at the store, she told the jeweler she was looking for additional
dessert spoons in her pattern and had been making do with the larger
soup spoons.
"That's not much of a hardship," the employee said. "It is
for me," Martin responded. Caught up in the moment, the saleswoman
joked, "Who do you think you are, Miss Manners?" The easily
recognizable Miss Manners looked at the woman, unable to respond. And
then it registered. "Oh my God!" the saleswoman said.