Suit Jokes / Recent Jokes

A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the more...

This is a true story:
A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her wayyy up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?""Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, more...

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope; talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit; and there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that more...

A man was stranded on a desert island for twelve years. One day, as he was sitting on the beach, a beautiful woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear suddenly emerged from the water.
She approached him and asked, "Would you like a cigarrette?"
"Oh, yes!" replied the surprised man. "It's been twelve long years since I've had a smoke."
She unzipped a pocket in her wet suit, pulled out a pack of cigarrettes and gave him one. After lighting it, he took a long drag and said, "Boy, that sure is good."
"Would you care for a drink?" she asked.
"You bet! It's been twelve long years since I've had a drink," he replied.
She then unzipped another pocket, pulled out a flask of scotch and gave it to him. After taking a few long gulps, he said, "Man, that is sweet!"
"Now," she asked seductively, "would you like to play around?"
"Hallelujah!" he exclaimed, tears forming more...

AUSTIN, TX (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must stop now," said former more...

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation
sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day
but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and
she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard
someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just
pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel,
out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you
sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a
bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me
up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the more...