Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes

A new intern at heart&cross hospital was looking for an experienced doctor to sign off on him sending a patient to surgery.He saw a nicely tanned man giving orders to someone else so he walked up to him. "Could you sign this for me"? he asked.
The man signed the sheet and the intern thanked him and walked away.the next day the intern walked into the hospital and was informed by the security that he had been fired.the intern asked why.the security guard told him that he had sent a patient to surgery without having a doctor sign off on it.yes I did I had him sign it.he pointed to the man who he had sign the sheet who was now moping the floors. "Him"? asked the security guard. "That's Jorge the nicely tanned head-janitor".

This one woman who was in her late 40's went to the plastic surgen. She wanted an entire face lift and so the doctor said he had this new technique. The woman asked how it was done so the doctor explained it. He said that he would cut two slits on top of her head and tie them into a knot. The woman asked why he would put a knot, and the doctor said that it was so if her face felt a little droopy, when she twisted it to the right, it would tighten the skin on her face. The woman decided to get the surgery done.The doctor told her to come back in four months so he could check up on how she was doing. During the four months the woman had tightened the knot quite a bit. When the woman had finally gone back to see the doctor, she had been complaining about her bags under her eyes being heavy.The doctor examined her for one minute and said, lady, those aren't bags under your eyes, they're your tits! And then the lady said, that would explain the gotee on my chin!

A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend more...

Jerry is recovering from day surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm ok but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"

Barbie
c/o Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA 90245
Santa Claus
North Pole, North Pole
December 23, 2004
Dear Santa:
Listen you ugly little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas
Present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many
tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had
better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and
trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 2004:
Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker.
How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels
like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What more...

When the man first noticed that his penis was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physicianexamined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery. The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery."How long will he be on crutches?" she asked. "Crutches???" the doctor asked "Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

I had plastic surgery last week. I cut up my credit cards.