Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there.

Oh no! Where's my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before?

There go the lights again?

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of' em."

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing off my concentration.

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of more...

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?"
"There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997:
A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!
A REAL man... maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me more...

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is undergoing surgery today to deal with a case of spinal stenosis.
"And by spinal stenosis," said Anthony Caputy, the doctor performing the surgery, "We mean the experimental serum we invented to keep his feet from morphing back into hooves is wearing off."

Dear Santa,
Listen you fat little troll, I’ve been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing
suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from too many tea parties. I hate to break it to you Santa, but it is DEFINITELY pay back
time!!

There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I’m gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don’t want to be around to smell it!) So, here’s my holiday wish list for this year, Santa.
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I’m sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are
these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and mold imitation underwear to my skin? It looks like cellulite!!!
3. A REAL more...

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So, the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Sri Lankan was located who had a similar type of blood. The Sri Lankan >willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Sri Lankan as appreciation for giving his blood, a new Rolls Royce, diamonds, Lapiz Lazuri jewellery, and a million US dollars. Few years later, once again the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Sri Lankan who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Sri Lankan a thank you (ahsante) card and a jar of Almond Roca Sweets. The Sri Lankan was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not reciprocate the Sri Lankan's kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him why he more...

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services. He was asked if he had health insurance.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."