Surgery Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man doing telephone solicitations for a local charity called up a prominent and wealthy lawyer and asked him for a modest donation. The lawyer became incensed at the request and said to his caller: “I bet you weren’t aware that just this past week my wife required major surgery and the expenses for this surgery weren’t covered by insurance. ”The caller started to apologize and express his regret for having asked for money and was interrupted by the lawyer who chimed in, “And this past month my mother died and my family had to put together an expensive funeral for her. ”Again the caller tried to apologize to the lawyer for attempting to solicit a donation and told the lawyer he was sorry to hear that his mother had died. ”
Then just this past month, one of my sons came down with a serious illness and almost died….. and my daughter needed plastic surgery to repair a congenital defect on her face, ” the lawyer added to the conversation. The caller again felt bad more...

Barry Bonds underwent elbow surgery to remove bone chips and hypodermic needles. Next week, Bonds is scheduled to have surgery to drain all the cantaloupe juice from his over-sized melon head.

Childhood: Childhood is that wonderful time of your life when all you have to do to lose weight is to take a bath.
Vacations: People go on vacation to forget things, and when they open their suitcases, they realise they did.
Minor Surgery. A minor surgery is one performed on someone else.
Mealtime: Mealtime is when the kids sit down to continue eating.
Luck: Of course there's such a thing as luck. How else could you explain your enemies' successes?
Wedding: Showers for the bride and curtains for the groom!

After genetic testing, 11 cousins underwent surgery to remove their stomachs in order to prevent a rare form of stomach cancer. When asked how they feel since the surgery, they unanimously stated that they are "starving to death."

************************* Chief Executive Officer Mattel, Inc. El Segundo, CADear Sir, Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list: 1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt? 2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! 3. A REAL more...

Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list for 1997: A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt? Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite! A REAL man... maybe G. I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over more...

One day, a guy with a horrible stuttering problem went to his doctor. "D-d-d-docter, is t-t-t-there anything t-t-that you c-c-c-can do for my stuttering?"

"Hop on to the table, and I'll give you an exam."

After the physical was over, the doctor told his patient that he thought he knew what the cause of his problem was.

"It seems that your penis is too long. There is a simple surgery that can be done to correct it, but your sex life might be greatly affected."

"I d-d-d-don't c-c-c-care. I'll d-d-d-do anyt-t-thing it t-t-takes."

So the man went in for surgery, and it was sucessful. He came back into the doctor's office a couple of weeks later.

"Doctor, I don't stutter anymore, but my girlfriend's really mad at me. Do you think that there's any way to get it reattached?"

"I d-d-d-don't t-t-t-think s-s-s-so"