Surprise Jokes / Recent Jokes
This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like prohibition is coming back.
Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during more...
A newly married couple rented a house from a priest in a village. When they shifted in, to their surprise, they found no sign of a WC (toilet). So they wrote to the priest enquiring the whereabout of the WC.
On receiving the letter, the priest, being ignorant of the term WC, thought it to be Wealey Church.
Imagine the couple's surprise when they received the following reply from the priest:
Dear Sir & Madam, This is to inform you that the nearest WC is 7 miles from your place. Every Sunday, many people go there. Some go there by train, others by bus, while the rest walked, just to reach there in time. The last time my wife went there was 10 years ago. I myself never go, preferring to conduct my little service in the open field with people around me. That WC can accommodate 100 people and the Committee has decided to make cushion seats for the comfort of the people. The children assemble themselves and sing throughout the session. You need to be there more...
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She`ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt more...
15 iBank app tracks how many organs you'll need to sell to pay off the cost of it.
14 Keeps popping up messages give you the address of someone named Sara Conner.
13 Reassurance Generator application continually reminds you that you are indeed smarter *and* cooler than a Windows user.
12 Continuous GPS monitoring of Paris Hilton.
11 When the new iPhone model comes out in four months, you can put this one under the short leg of a table to make it perfectly level.
10 Renders certain other hand-held devices inoperable with "Blackberry Jam" feature.
9 Flipped upside down, it doubles as a Fleshlight.
8 Plus: Beatles ringtones put money in Paul McCartney's pocket.
Minus: Beatles ringtones put money in Yoko Ono's pocket.
7 Tghe toiuchsxcreenb keytpadf isd reaslklyt accuyraterf abnd eadsy toi usre.
6 Comes pre-loaded with naked pictures of Peter Jackson, Kevin Smith and the cast more...
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry.
I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar more...
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun. He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says. "I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves. Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack." The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some. The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you." She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass." The guy figures this more...
A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey did? ”
The guy says, “No, what? ”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole! ”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, ” replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I’ll pay for everything. ”
The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later, he’s in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, more...