Texan Jokes / Recent Jokes

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.
The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughtta help?"
"Yep, reckon so", says the second.
The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?"
She shakes her head, "no".
"Can you speak?" he then asks.
She shakes her head, "no", again.
With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.
She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.
The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

After a long day of listening to a Texan brag, a New Yorker decided to show the Texan the Empire State Building.
When the Texan but down New York's well-know landmark by saying: "Heck, that's nothing. In Texas, we have outhouses bigger than that!"
The New Yorker, reponded, "You need them!"

Two Texans were having the Blue Plate Special at their favorite truck stop when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, sitting a few bar stools down from them, turning blue from the Armadillo burger she ate too fast.The first Texan said to the other, "Think we oughtta help?""Yep, reckon so", says the second.The first Texan gets up, walks over to the lady and asks, "Can you breathe?"She shakes her head, "no"."Can you speak?" he then asks.She shakes her head, "no", again.With that, he helps her to her feet, lifts up her skirt, and starts to lick her on the butt.She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to breathe again, with great relief.The first Texan turns back to his friend and says with a smile, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

Three cowboys, a Texan, a Californian, and an Oregonian, were sitting around a campfire smoking, drinking and having a good time. The Texan takes a full bottle of the finest tequila, throws it up in the air and shoots it to pieces. The Californian and Oregonian are clearly dismayed at that show, and ask "Now what'd you go and do THAT for?" The Texan just drawled "Where I come from, we got a lot of those." Not to be outdone, the Californian reaches in his saddle bag and pulls out a full bottle of the best Californian wine there is. He throws the bottle in the air, whips out his gun, and shoots it to pieces. The Oregonian and the Texan both groan, but the Californian is quick to point out "Where I come from, we've got a lot of those." Next the Oregonian pulls out a bottle of the best microbrew beer that Portland makes. He throws the bottle high up in the air, takes out his gun, shoots the Californian, catches the bottle, and proceeds to drink the beer. more...

A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more more...

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. ” The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good? ” asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ” The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first! ”

A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds." WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartenderrecognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened? The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"