Things Jokes / Recent Jokes
I'm making a list of all the things that I ought to do before I die. It's call my' oughtobiography'.
A man got a kick out of turning simple things into mysteries when composing a letter, though he was not good at all at writing.
One day his father told him to write a letter to his brother and tell him four things:
A villager died not long ago.
The price of meat has gone up.
The household has employed a new accountant.
His brother's wife is going to have a baby.
When the son had finished, however, the letter read: "A villager died not long ago. The meat sold for 179 silver coins. The household has employed a new accountant. My sister-in-law's belly is getting bigger and bigger." He soon got an angry answer from his brother: "Domestic shame should not be made public. How can the flesh of the dead be sold to others?"
Bill Clinton died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" asked St. Peter.
"It's me, St. Peter, Bill Clinton," Bill replied.
"Tell me what bad things you did on earth," instructed St. Peter.
Clinton pondered things for a moment and replied, "Well, I did smoke marijuana, but that shouldn't be held against me because I didn't inhale. I suppose I did have some affairs, but that shouldn't be held against me because no one called them affairs. I did lie, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation, St. Peter replied, "OK, Mr. Clinton, here's what we're going to do. We are going to send you somewhere where it's very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell'. You will be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity'. Do not 'abandon all hope' upon entering, but don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over!"
Fun things to do in a Waiting Room-
1.) Stand in a doorway and press your arms against the frame.
2.) Take a pencil or pen and make little airplane noises and if anyone notices, stare at them and say, "We've been spotted!" and run around in circles.
3.) Try to get behind the receptionist's counter and when some one comes, pop up, and yell "surprise!" at anyone under 50. (heart attack risk)
4.) Make paper airplanes out of magazine pages. Fly them around the room.
5.) Stare at someone in the room and yell, "It's an agent!" and run out.
6.) Come in dressed as a bum and ask if they have any fried beans.
7.) Repeat the following conversation ten times to the same random person in the room:
You: "Do you hear that?"
Person: "What?"
You: "Never mind, it's gone now."
8.) Come in dressed in army fatigues.
9.) Leave your zipper open and if anyone asks say: "Sorry, I really prefer it more...
Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Corporate America.
1. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
2. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
3. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
4. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
5. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
6. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
7. All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
8. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
9. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
10. Every time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about;
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on more...