Things Jokes / Recent Jokes

Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw

There are only two things to worry about. Either you are sick or you are well. If you are well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you re sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you live or you die. If you live there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are two things to worry about. Either you go to heaven or you go to hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so busy greeting old friends you won't have time to worry!

The following is a list of children’s books that didn’t quite make it to the printing press…
1. You Are Different and That’s Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad’s New Wife Robert
4. Fun four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids’ Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Julie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That’s it, I’m Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! more...

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

Douglas Adams:' There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.'

Albert Einstein:' Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.'

Unknown:' Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.'

Edward P. Tryon:' In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time.'

Max Frisch:' Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that man doesn't have to experience it.'

Kilgore Trout:' The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.'

Woody Allen:' I'm astounded by more...

The Naughty Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neat. The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat. The doors were all bolted, the phone off the hook, It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook. Momma in her teddy and I in the nude, Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry, That I lost my boner, and momma went dry. Up to the window I sprang like an elf, Tore back the shade while she played with herself. The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built, Shoved a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear, But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer. With a fat little driver, half out of the sled, A sock in his ear and a bra on his head. Sure as I'm speaking, he was high as a kite, And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz, Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off more...

Dear Friend..... I have been watching you very closely to see if
you have been very good this year and since you have I will be
telling my elves to make some goodies for me to leave under your
tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days of Christmas,
but we had a little problem. The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all
come down with VD from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the
11 lords leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and the 9
pipers piping have been arrested for doing weird things to the 7
swans a-swimming. The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French
hens, 2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have me up
to my sled runners in bird sh*t.
On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause, 8 of my
reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the gay liberation and
some people who can't read a calendar have scheduled Christmas
for the 5th of more...