Though Jokes / Recent Jokes

DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.Mac Beer: At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink more...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in
an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
divided into 8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed
separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are
going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients
list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you
are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds
you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like
Mac Beer's. Requires that more...

At the Gym

For Christmas this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

Day 1

They suggest I keep this "exercise diary" to chart my progress this week. Started the morning at 6: 00 a. m. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. She's something of a goddess, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. more...

>>The Lovers of the Heart
>>
>>Article 1: Statement of Love: The Kiss
>>
>>1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
>>2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
>>3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
>>4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
>>5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
>>6. Kiss anywhere else. .. lets not get carried away
>>7. Look in your eyes. .. kiss me
>>8. Playing with your hair... I can't live without you
>>9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much to let you go
>>
>>Article 2: The Three Steps
>>
>>1. Girls: If any guys gets fresh with you, slap him
>>2. Guys: If any girl slaps you, her intentions are still good
>>3. Guys & Girls: Close your eyes when kissing, it is rude to stare
>>
>>Article 3: The Commandments
>>
>>1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard.
>>2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, but take one.
>>3. Thou shall kiss at every more...

THANK YOUThank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found outfrom you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting thearse out of 40-gallon drum. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infectedwith a disease. I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped usingdeodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes haveto walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone mightdrug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me. I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will askme to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill withcalls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover. I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they arenothing more than horrible mutant freaks with more...

The following journal entry has been "borrowed" from a federal employee, whose name and occupation have been withheld for his or her protection.Dear Diary,Today was the same as any other day. I got to work 5 hours early in order to find parking in the Menial Federal Employee Parking Lot. It's mandatory that all employees park in the lot, although there are only 10 spots for 400 employees, but there is ample street parking.Then there is the Supervisor Lot, which has 50 spots for 2 supervisors. Our cars will be immediately towed if we park in the Supervisor Lot. Actually, one of the two supervisors does nothing but make sure that nobody else parks in the Supervisor Lot. He's currently making a six-figure salary.At the door, I had to show my building card to the security guard. He started telling me about his wife's problems. I told him I need to get to work, and he reminded me of the clause in my contract that stated that I have to listen to every story he wants to tell me.Six more...

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother. Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the more...