Times Jokes / Recent Jokes

1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat’s efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.
* This is fiction - You couldn’t get a man to scrub a toilet.

Mr.Watt rang the phone at the residence of Mr.Knott.
"Who's calling?" asked Knott.
"Watt."
"What is your name, please?"
"Watt's my name."
"That's what I asked you. What's your name?"
"That's what I told you. Watt's my name."
A long pause, and then from Watt, "Is this James Brown?"
"No, this is Knott."
"Please tell me your name."
"Will Knott."
YOU LEFT THE TALKERS AT A POINT WHERE THEY WERE TOTALLY CONFUSED.
READ THE REST OF WHAT HAPPENED...
"Why not?"
"Huh? What do you mean why not?"
"Yeah! Why won't you tell me your name?"
"But I told you my name!"
"Didn't you say you will not?"
"Not not, knott, Will Knott!"
"That's what I mean."
"So you know my name."
"Of course not!"
"Good. So now, what is more...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously been married ten times. On their wedding night, as they settled into the hotel bridal suite, she said to her new husband, "Please, promise to be gentle. I'm still a virgin."
Puzzled as to how this could be possible, he asked, "How can that be if you've already been married ten times?" His bride explained...
"Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he spent our entire marriage telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but promised to look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; although he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; while he understood the basic process, he said he needed three years to more...

Q. My shift keys have little arrows on them. Does that mean the *real* shift keys are located above them, and these keys are just little signs to point them out?
A. Nope, they're the Real McCoy. The little arrows mean "up", as in "look up at the screen". Your keyboard is telling you to learn to touch type and quit staring at your fingers.
Q. What happens if I press both shift keys?
A. Even bigger letters may show up on your screen. You should not use this feature, however, because these letters are also brighter, and may cause Screen Burn-In, which would be particularly embarrassing if you were typing something naughty at the time. You might consider obtaining the author's Shift Key Burn-In Protector program for only $
139.
95. Or you might not, it's your computer, but don't say I didn't warn you.
Q. my religion prohibits the use of shift keys. how can i type capital letters and punctuation
A. Discuss alternatives to the shift key with more...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." She did and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there is a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, and women will flock to him."
The woman replied, " That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman, and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she became the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That more...

The math teacher asks his students: "What is 9 times 7?"
He gets several answers - all are either 62 or 65.
"Come on - the correct answer can either be 62 or 65!"

Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The good irish father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the irish priest pounds three times on the wall. Finnegan yells, "Ain`t no use knockin, there`s no paper on this side either."