Tune Jokes / Recent Jokes
A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife explains that he must be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen that night and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits.
She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out - but she does not care.
She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis! Well, OK if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is more...
Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison?
A: Shoot one.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe..
Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf?
A: Principal.
Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder.
Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common?
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
Q: What's the definition of a nerd?
A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
A: You can tune the lawnmower.
Q: If you were lost in the woods, who more...
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing. And, I never have figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. And, I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do".
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??" So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?"
I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed. The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store... I walked around while she tried on more...
Musician Jokes - In Score Order
How do you get two piccolos to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutists playing in unison.
What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your pants?
Nothing. Both give you a warm feeling but no one else cares.
What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on the trampoline.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on their dashboards?
So they can park in handicapped zones.
What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, more...
How do you make a double bass sound in tune? Chop it up and make it into a xylophone.
To be sung to the tune of "Day-O (The Banana Boat Song)"
Day-O... oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you`re hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...
Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam`s pissed, he ain`t no quitter,
Air force come and they flatten your home
When we finish you all be crying,
Air force come and they flatten your home,
Pilot is brother of New York fireman
Air force come and they flatten your home
What are the differences between Bill Clinton and Anwar Ibrahim? Bill Clinton is a President of USA!
Anwar Ibrahim is a resident of ISA! Bill Clinton's favorite tune is sax and symphony!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite tune is sex and sodomy! Bill Clinton's favorite phrase: Kneel over!
Anwar Ibrahim's favorite phrase: Bend over! Bill Clinton plays saxophone!
Anwar Ibrahim plays sex-at-home! Bill Clinton was shamed by ML (Monica Lewinsky)
Anwar Ibrahim was shamed by MM (Mahathir Mohamed) Anwar Ibrahim's outcome: Demo riots
Bill Clinton's outcome: Demo tapes Bill Clinton got a blow job!
Anwar Ibrahim got a screw job! Anwar Ibrahim was upset by press report!
Bill Clinton was upset by Starr report