Understand Jokes / Recent Jokes

Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.

COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:As depicted in movies, Word processors never display a cursor. You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences. All monitors display inch-high letters. High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English. Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard. Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress"). All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off. Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the more...

I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to suffer grievously, though not permanently. When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.
I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the charge would increase in intensity. When the guy from tech support finally answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the line, of course. And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important to us," the caressing voice always claims.
I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already have your money, more...

You know you're gay when:
1. You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
2. You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
3. You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
4. You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
5. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
6. You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
7. No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
8. You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
9. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home.
10. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your home and on your computer.
11. Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men's locker room.
12. You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
13. You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
14. You know more...

1. You could care less who Britney Spears is sleeping with.
2. You understand the differences between 27 brands of imported chardonnay.
3. You can call anyone "honey" including pets.
4. You know someone who was in the emergency room with Richard Gere the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of quality lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of a baseball field and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have "been there, done that."
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends.
11. You're the only type of male who gets to say "fabulous."
12. You can have naked pictures of men you don't know in your house.
13. You can have naked men you don't know at your house.
14. You know how to handle more...

Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car more...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man +smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man +dumb woman =pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss +smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at more...