Upon Jokes / Recent Jokes

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis. A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane. She said to her friend, "There ain`t no justice in this world." Her friend asked her what she meant. Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I`m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I`m too old to squat!!!"

So there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead and they were running from the police but all they could find was a barn. They were in a hurry to hide so the brunette hid in the horse's stable, the redhead hid in a tree, and the blonde hid behind a few boxes of oranges. When the policemen came to the barn, they went to the horses stable and the policeman heard something.
"Wait!" he said. "I hear breathing!"
But the brunette went, "Neigh! Neigh!"
"Oh, it's just a horse," the policeman said. Then he walked around and came upon a tree and heard breathing.
"Stop!" he said. "I hear breathing in the tree!"
"Caww! Caww!" went the redhead.
"Oh, it's just a bird," said the policeman. Next, the policemen came upon a barn with a stack of boxes of oranges.
"Wait!" Said the policeman. "I hear breathing!"
Then the blonde said "I'm an orange! I'm an orange!"

Why did the chicken cross the road? KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side. PLATO: For the greater good of man. ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads. KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability. TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take. SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it. RONALD REAGAN: I forget. CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before. HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas. ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using more...

A man, who was an average golfer, was on the 11th tee at Augusta. He promptly shanks a shot into the trees. Upon discovering his ball, he found it to be next to a witch.
The witch was stirring a pot of golfer's brew. The gentleman asked the witch what the brew was for. The witch responded that the brew would do two things; first he would become the best golfer in the world and secondly his sex life would go to hell. And like most golfers I know, he choose the brew and better golf.
A year goes by and the man has won every major championship and is world renowned for his golf game. But, upon arriving at the 11th tee at Augusta, he hits a shot in the same woods where he reunits with the witch.
The witch remembers him and asks, "How's your golf game?" He responds, "Fantastic!" Then she says, "How's your sex life?" He responds, "Not bad..."
The witch says "Not Bad? What do you mean not bad??" The man says "Twice last more...

It's that time again... They are finally out again. You all know about the
Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool
the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees for 2001 are:
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with
milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down,
killing both him and his sister.
A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home
died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and
weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, more...

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar.
And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room raised her hand with great enthusiasm. "To make the gravy," came her reply.

As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human genepool.And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll... JohnPernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in theparking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easyenough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show.The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the planwas for John-100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist hisfriend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop onthe other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himselfcrashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large more...