Warning Jokes / Recent Jokes
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."
His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"
The husband said, "I know all that."
"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.
The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."
Some actual product warning labels: On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT. (duh!)On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Makes sense... except these instructions we're IN THE BOX!)In some countries (like W. Virginia:), on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING. ( Now THAT I'd like to see! )On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on BOTTOM of the box) * DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (oops... Too late! You lose!)On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)On a Korean kitchen knife - more...
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to more...
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.""The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.""So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?""No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.""Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.""Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.""In God we trust, all others are suspects."
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)
2. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how.. . ? )
3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion)
4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)
5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Hmm. . . . )
6. On more...
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as: WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you more...
The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:
13. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
12. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
11. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the more...