Wedding Jokes / Recent Jokes
When my sister Andrea got married, she asked to wear my mother's wedding dress. The day she tried it on for the first time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her. "You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion. "You're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that dress!"
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None -- It should be opened by the time she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine
will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say Something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required more...
Preparing for her wedding night, the bride-to-be asked her mother to go out and buy her a sexy, long, black negligee and place it carefully in her suitcase so it wouldn't get wrinkled. Her mother forgot, so at the last minute dashed out, but all she could find was a short pink nighty. She bought it, rushed home and quickly threw it in her daughter's suitcase.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went to their hotel room. The groom was very self-conscious so he asked his bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got himself ready for bed.
Agreeing, the bride went into the bathroom, opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in it. "Oh no," she shrieked, "it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
"Honey, you promised not to peek!" the groom exclaimed.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, "ROAR," step, step, "ROAR," all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
"Doctor, my fiance and I are getting married this weekend, and he thinks I'm still a virgin," the woman said. "Can you do anything to help me?"
"Medically, no," replied the doctor. "Try this: When you're getting ready for bed on your wedding night, slide a thick rubber band around your upper thigh. When he enters you, snap the rubber band and explain to him that it's your cherry popping."
On their wedding night, the bride undressed in the bathroom and slid the rubber band around her thigh. The couple then got into bed and began to make love. When her husband entered her, she snapped the rubber band right on cue.
"What the hell was that?" exclaimed the husband.
"That was my cherry popping," she explained.
"Well, could you snap it again?" he moaned. "It's got my balls!"
A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"
"Because they're happy," the mom replied. Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.The judge says, 'OK.''Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after more...