Week Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down. - and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves. On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He more...

' I want you to help me stop my son gambling.' an anxious father said to his boy's principal.' I don't know where he gets it from, but it's bet, bet, bet.'
' Leave it to me,' said the principal. A week later he phoned the boy's father.' I think I've cured him,' he said.
' How?'
' Well, I saw him looking at my beard and he said,' I bet that's a false beard,' How much? I said, and he said $5'
' What happened? ' asked the father.
' Well he tugged my beard which is quite natural and I made him give me $5. I'm sure that'll teach him a lesson!'
' No, it won't,' said the father.'
He bet me $10 on Monday that he'd pull your beard with your permission by the end of the week!'

Twas the week before Christmas,
I was feeding a mouse,
fattening it up,
for our cats in the house.
The wife's stockings hung
on the shower with care,
The drain is clogged.
Probably big globs of hair.
The children were playing,
jumping on beds.
Bits of chewing gum
stuck on their heads.
Wife sneez'n in a kerchief;
me, I'm ready for a nap,
Her nerves quite unsettled,
we need a nightcap!
When out of the bathroom
there arose such a clatter!
The toilet a shaking!
Don't know what's the matter!
Away to the bathroom
I flew like a flash,
Tore open the closet,
then fell with a CRASH!
I'd slipped on a toy...
I do think... I don't know.
They were scattered about,
above and below.
Then the wife yelled,
"Are you Okay? Oooh, Dear?!
"I was going to tell you,
your tools disappeared.
"The kids, well, they flushed them,
tools, more...

1) You define summer as three months of bad sledding.
2) You think alkaline batteries were named for a tiger outfielder.
3) Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack of beer and a bucket of smelt.
4) Owning a Japanese car was a hanging offense in your hometown.
5) You know how to play euchre.
6) The big mac is something you drive across.
7) You bake with soda and you drink pop.
8) You drive 76 on the highway and pass on the right.
9) Your Little League baseball game was snowed out.
10) You learned to drive a boat before you learned to ride a bicycle.
11) You know how to pronounce "Mackinac".
12) You occasionally cheer "Go Lions - and take the Tigers with you."
13) The word "thumb" has a geographical rather than an anatomical definition.
14) You have ever experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
15) You expect Vernors when you order ginger ale.
16) You know that Kalamazoo not only more...

A wife was out for the evening playing bingo and came home sporting a new fur coat. "Honey," she said to her husband, "look what I won at bingo!"
The next week, she came home from bingo wearing a huge diamond ring. "Hey, honey," she said, "look what I won at bingo!"
The following week, when she came home from bingo, she was driving a brand new BMW. "Look!" she exclaimed. "Look what I won at bingo!"
As she preparing to get ready for bingo the next week, her husband asked, "Darling, would you like me to draw a bath for you?"
"Oh, yes please," she replied.
When she went to get in the tub, she noticed that there was less than an inch of water in it. "Honey, how am I supposed to take a bath with such a small amount of water?" she asked.
"Well, I wouldn't want you to get your bingo card wet!" replied the husband.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING DUTCH
1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself
3. b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, without an uneery sense of guilt.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks
Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbours.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your bike, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR BEING BELGIAN
1. You get to speak three languages, but none of more...

A 60-year-old man went to a doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"
The 60-year-old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."
The doctor couldn't believe it. So, he asked, "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"
The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"
The 60-year-old said, "He goes skiing at more...