Wheel Jokes / Recent Jokes
Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.
New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.
New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.
Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-Ernest Hemingway
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
-Dean Martin
Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
-Anonymous
No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
-G.K. Chesterton
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-Ambrose more...
1) Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. 2) The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. 3) I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my hand through it. 4) I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. 5) A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. 6) A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. 7) I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the other way. 8) I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. 9) In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. 10) I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision. 11) I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident. 12) I was on my way to more...
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat more...
Depending on where someone is from and where they are driving you can make some assumptions about their driving styles and etiquette...Chicago: One hand on wheel, one hand on horn.New York: One hand on wheel, one finger out window.New Jersey: One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic.Boston: One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator.Scarborough, Ontario: Both hands clenched on steering wheel, driver staring directly forward, cutting in front of you and slowing down to 40 in a 60 zone then looking in rearview mirror in wonder as to why the car behind is flashing high beams.Los Angeles: One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator with gun in lapOhio, but driving in California: Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror.Italy: Both hands in air and gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat.Seattle: more...
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, "Hey pal, you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?"
And the pirate says "R it's driving me nuts!"