"Beer Warnings..." joke

Due to increasing products liability litigation alcohol manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all alcohol containers:
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a w**ker.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to shay shings like thish.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species or name you cannot remember).
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome and smarter than some really, really big guy named Dave.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe fat, ugly people are slim and attractive.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead to traffic signs and cones appearing in your home.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.
=> WARNING Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time seem to literally disappear.