"Stand Up!" joke
A pastor was getting increasingly annoyed with a man in the congregation who fell asleep each week during the sermon. He tried everything he could think of, but the man still kept falling asleep.
One day, he got an idea. When Sunday came around he was preaching on heaven and hell. When he determined that the man was sound asleep he quietly said to the congregation, "You have a choice: All those who want to go to heaven quietly stand."
To which the entire congregation (minus Mr. Sleepy) stood.
"Fine," said the preacher, "you may be seated now."
They sat. Then he continued, "Everyone who is going to hell, *STAND UP*!!!" to which the sleeper awoke and immediately stood.
He then looked around at the congregation who were all looking at him, turned to the preacher and said, "Well, preacher, I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and I are the only ones for it."
Not enough votes...