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A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
"What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!"
"Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the more...

An old Native American wanted a loan for $500. He approached his local banker. The banker pulled out the loan application, asking, “What are you going to do with the money? ” “Take jewelry to city and sell it, ” said the old man. “What have you got for collateral? ” queried the banker, going strictly by the book. “Don’t know of collateral. ” “Well that’s something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles? ” “Yes, I have a 1949 Chevy pickup. ” The banker shook his head, “How about livestock? ” “Yes, I have a horse. ” “How old is it? ” “I don’t know; it has no teeth. ” Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan. Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, “Here’s the money to pay loan, ” he said, handing the entire amount including interest. “What are you going to do with the rest of that money? ” “Put it in my pocket. ” “Why don’t you deposit more...

A husband walks into Frederick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself.

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral services are pending.

The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan. Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't more...

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtles one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "Whats wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. Ill bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking its an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you itll be there before your dog!"

Republic Insurance Company

Carson, California

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.

In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "POOR PLANNING" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should elaborate more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of more...

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5 and vice versa." Again, she declines and tried to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catch the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What is the distance from earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pull out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "OK," says the lawyer, "You more...