Abe Jokes / Recent Jokes

Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5, 000 PBS pledge check yet?"
"No, sweetheart," she responds.
Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"
"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.
"One last thing, Esther. Did you more...

One night Bill Clinton was awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked." Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised George. The next night the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked." Cut taxes and reduce the size of government," advised Tom. Clinton didn't sleep well the next night, and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Clinton asked. Abe replied, "Go to the theater."

Abe, an old Jewish man, was dying. On his deathbed, he looked up and said, "Is my wife here?"

His wife replies: "Yes, dear, I'm here, next to you.."

So Abe asks, "Are my children here?"

"Yes, daddy, we're all here," say the children.

Abe inquires, "Are my other relatives also here?"

And they say, "Yes, we are all here..."

So Abe sits up and yells,"THEN WHY IS THE LIGHT ON IN THE KITCHEN?!?"

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day. Abe says, "I cant believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"Max replies, "Well, its great, but Ive got good news, and Ive got bad news. The good news is that theres a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, were playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"Abe says, "So whats the bad news?"Max replies, "Well, youre booked to play the solo!"

Abe is a new arrival at a retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden. Becky is out for her morning constitutional, spies Abe, and says "Do you mind?"

"Not at all" Abe says, so Becky sits down on the opposite end of his bench.

"So, you're new here" says Becky.

"Yes" Abe nods.

"So, where are you from?" asks Becky.

"Washington" Abe answers.

"The state or the capitol?" asks Becky.

"The state" replies Abe.

"So how old are you? asks Becky.

"I'll be 52 in October.". Abe replies

"What did you do in Washington?" asks Becky.

"I was in prison" Abe says.

"Really!" says Becky, "what did you do?"

"My wife was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her more...

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets. One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..." Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...." Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?" Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?" Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

Q: What would you get if you crossed a gorilla with the sixteenth US president?
A: Ape Lincoln!
Q: Why did Abe Lincoln grow a beard?
A: He wanted to look like that guy on the five-dollar bill.
Q: What would you get if you crossed the sixteenth president with a famous slugger?
A: Babe Lincoln!
Q: Did Lincoln know that the North would win the Civil War?
A: After a while, he took it for Grant-ed!
Teacher: "John, do you know Lincoln's Gettysburg Address?"
Student: "No, Miss Frump. I thought he lived in Washington!"
Q: Why did Lincoln wear a tall, black hat?
A: To keep his head warm!
Q: WHat US president had long legs, a beard, and an unusual smell?
A: Abraham Stincoln!
Q: Why was Abraham Lincoln barn in a log cabin?
A: Because it was too cold to be born outside!
Q: Why is Abraham Lincoln like a bloodhound tracking someone?
A: They're both on the (s)cent!
Q: Why did they call more...