Advice Jokes / Recent Jokes
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days.This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic ocean.
After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are."
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground."
So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell us where we are?"
The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon 100 feet up in the air."
George turns to Harry and says, "that man is a lawyer."
"How can you tell?", inquires Harry.
George answers, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless."
A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage." His father replied, "Don't you love this girl?" "Oh yes, very much," he said," but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my fiance will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up with her mom." Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." more...
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant.
The judge ordered Taylor, “You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can. ”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone.
When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty, so I told him to split. ”
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!"
"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.
"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."
"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the state," he said. "there must be some mistake."
"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."