Advice Jokes / Recent Jokes
Advice From Men To Women...
Never buy a' new' brand of beer because' it was on sale.'...
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....
Please don't drive when you're not driving....
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple' Yes' is fine.
I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them".I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from aroud the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a friend why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I followed her in my eclipse awd turbo race car. My race car has no decals...Then more...
The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was, "Go! You might meet somebody!"
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playinglike they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband hashis lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no,"youre gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like youd hold your wifes breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife cant wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, youre gripping the club way too hard." "What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like youd hold your husbands penis." The wife listens carefully to the pros advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. more...
"Be what you would seem to be" -- or if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise."
- the Duchess' advice to Alice in chapter 9 of
"Alice's Adventures in Wonderland"
A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."
The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."
About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.
"Yes, my son?" said the priest.
"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."
"And what was that, my son?"
"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.
"That sounds like something I probably would have said" said the priest. "Did you take my more...
A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: “My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy. ”
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy’s nervousness builds.
He remembers his father’s advice, and chooses the first topic.
He asks the girl: “Do you like spinach? ” She says “No, ” and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father’s suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, “Do you have a brother? ” Again, the girl says “No” and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father’s advice and asks the girl the following question: “If you had a brother, would he like spinach? ”