Age Jokes / Recent Jokes

Age 3: I learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
Age 5: I learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7: I learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9: I learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12: I learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14: I learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15: I learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24: I learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26: I learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29: learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30: I learned more...

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother. Things I've learned from my children (honest no kidding): 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the more...

Q: What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A: A new age song.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.

Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.

25 facts of life1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it. 2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-saving time. 3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor. 4. The most valuable function performed by the federal government is entertainment. 5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment. 6. A penny saved is worthless. 7. They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies. 8. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip. 9. The more...

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home." Sixty is the worst age to be," announced the 60 year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" "Ah, that's nothing," said the 60 year old. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out! ""Actually," said the eighty year old, "Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked the sixty year old." No. .. not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all." "Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked the 70 year old." No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6: 30." With great exasperation, the 60 year old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a more...

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.
The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I`ve learned from my children:
1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2, 000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-old`s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. more...