Agreement Jokes / Recent Jokes

There were three pious monks. These monks were so pious, in fact, that
the head abbot decided one day to reward their devotion by granting
them each one day of sin, on the condition that they confess their
activities to him at the end of the day.
So, the day cometh, and the three monks go off into the night to
indulge in all manner of sin.
The first monk saunters in at 1:00 in the morning, and tries to sneak
upstairs to bed. But the head abbot, who was waiting up for the three,
stopped him and demanded that he relate his doings.
"No, head abbot," the first monk said, "it's too evil for me to admit!"
"The deal was for you to tell me everything you did, otherwise you will
not receive absolution!" said the abbot.
So the first monk agreed to tell what he did. "I - I - I drank! And I
did all manner of drugs! And I smoked tea bags and old polyester ties,
and I snorted coffee more...

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.
RE: Chrismukah
Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world. "The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world."The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down 'til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal

Don't Forget to read the "Fine Print"

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:


The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world.

"The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway

"In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse

"A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio

"He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that`s a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer

"An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio

"This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service.

"We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA)

"He`s going to step down `til he`s back on his more...

These are supposedly actual quotes taken from around the world." The effects are fleeting and lingering..." - Overheard in a hallway "In Managua, people are cheering in the streets, which are deserted." - CBS reporter during the solar eclipse "A trucker called to thank all of the courteous Seattle drivers he had run across." - Announcer on KZOK radio "He threw 110 pitches in six innings, and that's a mouthful!" - CBS baseball announcer "An agreement is not an agreement until the parties to the agreement have reached an agreement." - Irish Politician on RTE radio "This is the biggest pawn that Israel holds in the whole hostage equation." - BBC world service. "We have two incredibly credible witnesses here." - Sen. Biden at Thomas hearings from Bob Ericson (Marlboro, MA, USA) "He's going to step down' til he's back on his feet." - Vermont Public Radio commentator on Jimmy Swaggart's latest sex scandal