Anyway Jokes / Recent Jokes

Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother. Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must more...

The Five Stages Of DrunkenessStage 1 - CLEVERThis is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER. Stage 2 - ATTRACTIVEThis is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun. Stage 3 - RICHThis is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, more...

Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely more...

... and pledges not to move alone unless no one agrees with it
Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — Bowing to international pressure not to act unilaterally, the United States reversed course today and promised to consult with its allies before doing whatever the hell it was going to do anyway.
"Prior to taking action against any enemy nation, such as Iraq, we will confer with our allies, as well as other countries in that region," pledged U.S. President George W. Bush. "We will sit down with them. We will begin by explaining what our position is, and then we will...
"... no, wait. That's everything."
The announcement seemingly failed to address unease among world leaders that without their consent, U.S. action against Iraq will lead them all into a wider conflict. Bush, however, said his administration was well aware of international concerns, and would handle them internally.
Except for effect, the administration said its new stance more...

Original Monologue by Larry Miller, an American comedian.
LEVEL 1:
It's 11:00 on a weeknight, you've had a few beers.
You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends.
Here at level one you think to yourself, "Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I'm cool.".
LEVEL 2:
It's midnight. You've had a few more beers.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you're thinking, "Hey! I'm out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I'm cool.".
LEVEL 3:
One in the morning. You've abandoned beer for tequila.
You've just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you're thinking, "Our waitress more...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.
Martha's way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?
Martha's way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room more...

Subject: Girlfriend 1.0
Dear Technical Support:
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I have been having some problems lately.
I have been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off.
I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.
I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn t have enough cache to run more...