Apartment Jokes / Recent Jokes

A large family, with seven children, moved to a new city. They were having a difficult time finding an apartment to live in. Many apartments were large enough, but the landlords objected to the large family.

After several days of searching, the father asked the mother to take the four younger children to visit the cemetery, while he took the older three to find an apartment.

After they had looked most of the morning they found a place that was just right.

Then the landlord asked the usual question: "How many children do you have?"

The father answered with a deep sigh, "Seven...but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery."

The landlord, feeling sympathetic towards the man's situation, rented the apartment to him.

Neighbors complain about loud music and howling coming from your
apartment in the middle of the day.
You find mysterious sculpture of a human (who looks strikingly
like you) on a leash in your living room.
Ice floating in toilet water.
Neighborhood cats bring dog treats to your doorstep.
Friends swear they've seen your car at the local meat-processing
plant.
You can never find the leftovers.
The remote is covered with slobber, and the TV was left on The
Nature Channel.
The dog doesn't lick itself anymore... now it's the cat's job.
Mensa mailings addressed to "Rover".
Your apartment keys no longer work.

Don't Forget to read the "Fine Print"

PRE-RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENT:


The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him") being of sound mind and a bit overweight body:

1) FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet terminated. Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a more...

A man is sitting at a bar and sees this beautiful woman on the arm of some drunk. He talks with the bartender and finds out that she is a prostitute.

He walks over to her and says " Is it true that your a prostitute?"

She replies "Yeah what can I do for you big boy?"

He thinks a second and finally asks her what she charges. She replies "$100 for a hand job."

"Are you crazy?" he responds.

She walks the man over to the window, "see that Ferrari out there? I own that car. Trust me you wont leave unsatisfied." So he takes her to his apartment, gives her the money and they get down to business.

The next day he sees her at the bar again. He walks over to her and says, "Last night was great."

"You think that was great," she replies" wait tell you have one of my blow jobs."

"How much?" the man asks more...

Three guys, who had all died around the same time at about the same place, were waiting to take their place in Heaven. They were told by the angel that there was room for only one of them in Heaven. Their fate would be determined by the way each of them had died, so the angel went to each man and asked how they had died.
The first guy, when approached, said:
"Well, I live on the 14th floor of my apartment building and I came home early from work because I suspected that my wife had been cheating on me, and I wanted to give the other man a piece of my mind. However, when I got home there was no one in the apartment aside from my wife, but my intuition told me otherwise, so I searched the apartment. When I came to my balcony, ready the commit suicide, I saw a man hanging on, at that point I was so angry at him that I stepped on his hands hoping he'd fall off, but he remained firm. So I went back inside and got a hammer and hit his hands, but he still didn't fall off. In my more...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early and tried to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand more...

Bob lived in an apartment building and had to walk down the hall every morning to get his mail. One morning while getting his mail, his new (drop dead gorgeous) neighbor slinked out of her apartment towards him and as she leaned over to get her mail her robe opened a bit. Bob could hardly believe it, she wasn't wearing a thing under her robe. The woman leaned closer to Bob and said good morning. This time her robe opened up completely. She purred to Bob that she hadn't had a man in years. He could hardly keep eye contact when she said she heard someone coming and that they should go back to her apartment. They went inside and she let the robe fall to the floor. What do you think my best feature is? Bob stuttered and drooled a bit and finally said' Your ears.'' What do you mean my ears, look at me. I have round perfect breasts, a nice tight ass and legs to die for what on earth made you say EARS!'' Well,' said Bob' In the hall you said you heard someone coming, that was me!'