Article Jokes / Recent Jokes

This article came from a fellow named Keith Wortham.
In anticipation of a PC MAGAZINE review of the well promoted but NON-AVAILABLE Microsoft Windows 4.0, he went ahead and wrote it in the typical "objective" style the magazine usually uses with Microsoft products. He is planning to submit it to the magazine before they can come out with their own bubbly "review" of the promised product.
As you know, the magazine carries big ads for Microsoft. From what I am told, ZIFF-DAVIS, which owns PC MAGAZINE, ALSO OWNS A SUBSIDIARY THAT HAS THE MARKETING ACCOUNT FOR MICROSOFT! (Does that strike you as a bit of a CONFLICT OF INTEREST, and ample incentive for total "non-objectivity?")
Quoting Keith Wortham:
"The latest issue of PC Magazine contains the exciting and long awaited news that there will be an article on Windows 4.0 appearing in the next issue. To save those of you who do not subscribe from having to buy the magazine, we thought we more...

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my 1999 tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you the use the above mentioned to fund a 1.5 inch screw." (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,

A satisfied taxpayer

The Top Ten Lies Told by Graduate Students taken from the Harvard Crimson
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80, 000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

Top Five Lies Told By Teaching Assistants:
5. I'm not going to grant any extensions.
4. Call me any time. I'm always available.
3. It doesn't matter what I think; write what you believe.
2. Think of the midterm as a diagnostic tool.
1. My other section is much better prepared tha you more...

10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how. If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them. If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework. If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up. If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want. If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.

Once a cub reporter was requested to write an article for a local family news paper. The reporter decided to write about Mrs. Smith's car accident. So he wrote "Mrs. Smith met with a one car accident today and is in the hospital receiving lacerations in her breasts". The editor seeing this was furious and told the cub reporter that it was a family paper and words such as "Breasts" should not be used. The reporter was asked to redo the article. This time he wrote; "Mrs. Smith met in a one car accident, and is in hospital receiving lacerations in her (.)(.)"

If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner.If you can go down on them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.If they pay for dinner, you are using them.If you pay for dinner, you are trying to embarrass them.If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework.If you make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of the housework.If they want sex, they won't let you sleep.If you want sex, they won't wake up.If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are coming on to their friends.If you are distant and reserved to their friends, they want to know why you don't like their friends.