Ask Jokes / Recent Jokes
Q: How many talk show hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, one to screw in the new bulb, one to ask the old one how it feels to be replaced, and one to take questions from the audience.
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Let the police do it - private citizens can't be trusted with light bulbs!
Q: How many gun control advocates does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: They don't do that; they pass laws against burned-out bulbs, and then they wonder why it's still so dark. Meanwhile, a lot of people get hurt because they can't see.
Q: How many NRA members does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three--One to give up the old bulb when they pry it from his cold dead fingers, one to screw it in and pose for an "I'm the NRA" ad while doing so, and one to complain about the waiting period.
Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light more...
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pat Buchanan: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Louis Farrakhan: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the' 'black man'' in order to trample him and keep him down.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken,' 'Thou shalt cross the road.'' And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
L.A. Police Department: Give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out.
Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Martin Luther King, more...
A Mississippi professor was at a party and became indignant when asked if college professors were absent-minded. "Professors haven't got bad memories," he declared. "They're not absent-minded. Don't you think I know where I am right now, and don't you think tomorrow I'll know where I was last night? Would somebody like to ask me another question?" "Yes," said another guest. "Is it true that professors are absent-minded and have bad memories?" "Good!" said the professor. "I knew sooner or later somebody would ask me that question."
(Be read when using the Willy voice in your head)
SUBJ: Clinton's Address to the Nation
Text from Clinton's Address to the Nation if he were on truth serum.
10. 16 P. m. ET (0216 GMT) August 17, 1998
Good evening.
This afternoon in this room, from this chair, in this very spot, I was forced to testify before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.
I answered their questions truthfully whenever there was compelling physical evidence that would contradict my lies, including questions about having sex while watching an intern do kinky things that I now spin as being part of my private life, questions so embarrassing that no American citizen would ever want to answer.
Still, the polls indicate that I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight and not ducking questions while the Marine Band plays loudly and drowns out the more...
> >ATTITUDE IS EVERYTHING......... By Francie Baltazar-Schwartz
> >
> > Jerry was the kind of guy you love to hate. He was always
> > in a good mood and always had something positive to say.
> > When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply,
> > "If I were any better, I would be twins!"
> >
> > He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who
> > had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason
> > the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a
> > natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was
> > there telling the employee how to look on the positive side
> > of the situation.
> >
> > Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to
> > Jerry and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all
> >of the time. How do you do it?" Jerry replied,
> >
> > "Each more...
THE IRS LETTER... Dear Sirs: I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 1996 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive. It's only fair, since they are minors and not my responsbility, that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brillant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you more...
1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.
2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.
3. When giving directions, finish with "and it's right down yonder on the left." Confuses the mess out of' em.
4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they're saying.
5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell' em "Delta's ready when you are!"
6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.
7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy' em!)
8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don't have it, raise a ruckus.
9. Offer to send' em a bottle of fresh air.
10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie-John Michael-Jim Bob.. . you get the idea)
11. Frequently bring up "The War of Northern Aggression" in conversation. If anyone ever more...