Asshole Jokes / Recent Jokes

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry . He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering, "Asshole attorneys". The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying "I want you to know I highly resent that remark"."Why, are you an attorney?""No, I'm an asshole."

The organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge. Each organ took a turn speaking up:
Brain.... I should be in charge because I run all body functions.
Blood... I should be in charge because I circulate oxygen for the brain.
Stomach... I should be in charge because I process food to the brain.
Legs... I should be in charge because I take the brain where it wants to go.
Eyes... I should be in charge because I let the brain see where it's going.
Asshole... I should be in charge because I get rid of your waste.
All the other parts laughed and made the asshole very mad. To prove his point, the asshole immediately slammed tightly closed and stayed that way for 6 days, refusing to rid the body of any waste whatsoever.
Day 1 - Brain got a terrible headache and cried out for relief.
Day 2 - Stomach got bloated and began to ache terribly.
Day 3 - Legs got cramps and became unstable.
Day 4 - Eyes became more...

If i was an asshole i would fart!

Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.
Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.
Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.
Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!
Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again more...

Increasingly late for work after a wonderful day of fishing, a man is pulled over by a Police Officer. The Officer walks up to the genteman's car window and asks, "Sir, why are you in such a hurry."
The man replies, "I am late for for work."
To this the police Officer asks, "and what do ou do for a living Sir, that requires you to drive so fast?"
The man replies, "I am an asshole stretcher."
The Officer asks in reply, "what is an asshole stretcher."
The man replies, "well its exactly what it sounds like, I stretch assholes for a living."
Stunned, the Officer asks, "how on this Earth does one go about stretching an asshole?'
To this the man replies, "well you start out by shoving to finger up the hole. Then, you stick some fingers up the asshole until you can get both hands all the way up the ass. Then, you slowly start to pull your arms apart until the asshole you're stretching is six more...

Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going BOY?!?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhhh, over 55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew," replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding and your getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at the Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why,... I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob recanted, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum more...

Did you hear about Polak that had an asshole transplant? The asshole rejected him.