Autopsy Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?
Q: Please state the nature of your relationship to the minor child?
A: I'm his mother.
Q: And you have been so all of his life?
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Attorney Q: Male sperm?
A: That is the only kind I know.
Q: Doctor, as a result of your examination of the plaintiff, is the young lady pregnant?
A: The young lady is pregnant? but not as a result of my examination.
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a more...

An
autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture
to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed
the class. 'There are two things you need to make a
career in medical forensics. First, you must have no
fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the
corpse's anus and licked it. 'Now you must do the same,'
he told the class.
After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the
class did as instructed.
'Second,' the professor continued, 'you must have
an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many
of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this
man's anus, but licked my index finger?'

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they ain't so bright after all.
"Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
"The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could more...

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court". These are things that people actually said in court, word for word. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: How old is your son--the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "Where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500. Q: Sir, what is more...

Amazing and true lawyer statements. Lawyers typically aren’t funny - unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide... 1) Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2) Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning? 3) Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me. ’ Q: Did he kill you? 4) Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5) The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6) Were you alone or by yourself. 7) How long have you been a French Canadian? 8) Do you have any children or anything of that kind? 9) Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture. A: That’s me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10) Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in? 11) Q: Now, more...