Average Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. How long is the average woman in labor? A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

ADS FROM WOMEN - What they really mean
40-ish... 48 Adventurer... Has had more partners than you ever will Athletic... Flat-chested Average looking... Ugly Beautiful... Pathological liar Contagious Smile... Bring your penicillin Educated... College dropout Emotionally Secure... Medicated Feminist... Fat; ball buster Free spirit... Substance user Friendship first... Trying to live down reputation as slut Fun... Annoying Gentle... Comatose Good Listener... Borderline Autistic New-Age... All body hair, all the time Old-fashioned... Lights out, missionary position only Open-minded... Desperate Outgoing... Loud Passionate... Loud Poet... Depressive Schzophrenic Professional... Real Witch Redhead... Shops the Clairol section Reubenesque... Grossly Fat Romantic... Looks better by candle light Voluptuous... Very Fat Weight proportional to height... Hugely Fat Wants Soulmate... One step away from stalking Widow... Nagged first husband to death Young at heart... Toothless crone
THE MALE more...

AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: Asshole. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. more...

Average Iraqi
Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors
Average American
Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
park
Average Iraqi
Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation
Average American
Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards
Average Iraqi
Lines up by the thousands to die for country
Average American
Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty
Average Iraqi
Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
by West
Average American
Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
McCookies
Average Iraqi
Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise
Average American
Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
ground, you die
Average Iraqi
Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless more...

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished two miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse." The boss talked the new employee and said, "You were doing so more...

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

The annual Toilet Paper Report has rolled around again.
The report, from Quilted Northern tissue, says three out of five respondents prefer toilet paper be dispensed from over the top of the roll.
Also: The average American makes six trips to the bathroom a day.
The average man's visit lasts about seven minutes, vs. about eight minutes for women.