Award Jokes / Recent Jokes

Darwin award is an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by
killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. This year winner was one of the
few Darwin Award nominees to survive his award-winning accomplishment.
In rural Carbon County, PA, a group of men were drinking beer and discharging firearms from the rear
deck of a home owned by Irving Michaels, age 27. The men were firing at a raccoon that was wandering
by, but the beer apparently impaired their aim and, despite of the estimated 35 shots the group
fired, the animal escaped into a 3 foot diameter drainage pipe some 100 feet away from Mr. Michaels'
deck.
Determined to terminate the animal, Mr. Michaels retrieved a can of gasoline and poured some down the
pipe, intending to smoke the animal out. After several unsuccessful attempts to ignite the fuel,
Michaels emptied the entire 5 gallon fuel can down the pipe and tried to more...

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled
down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem,
Officer?"
"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am
pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations.
What do you think you're going to do with the money?"
He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that
drivers' license."
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman,
"Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smarty-pants when he's drunk
and stoned."
The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get
far in a stolen car!"
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled
voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a more...

Darwin Award Winner for 1997 Announced
You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to
the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which
toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out
of it.
In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO unit
to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the
roadbed.
And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles - one of the few
Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. Larry's
boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he
joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor
eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to
satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.
One day, Larry, more...

Editor's note: I've gotten more than one 1999 Darwin Awards posting this year (that don't match), but I figure the gene pool is a big place...

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The true high point of the year has arrived. Yes, it is the 1999 Darwin Awards. For those sheltered few of you who are not fully aware of the Darwin Awards; these awards are given annually (and posthumously) to those individuals who did the most for the human gene pool by removing themselves from it.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston, Va., man was found dead after he tried to use luggage straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County, Va., police said Eric A. Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia more...

Derek Jeter and Albert Pujols each won the Hank Aaron Award for the best offensive player. Milton Bradley won the award for the most offensive player.