Away Jokes / Recent Jokes

You Might Be Addicted to AOL if........ Tech Support calls "You" for help...... Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL..... You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other...... You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out"..... you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's..... you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone"..... you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it..... you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences..... you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing..... when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"..... you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep...... you know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own family's...... you lie to others about your time on-line and when they more...

: 24 questions from George Carlin's warped brain:

1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

4. What's another word for synonym?

5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do:' practice'?

6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

8. Where do forest rangers go to' get away from it all'?

9. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

10. Why do they report power outages on TV?

11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

12. Is it possible to be totally more...

There were once 3 blondes on an island, but they couldn't find a way off. But while searching, one of them tripped over what happened to be a magic lamp. Dusting it off, the genie came out." I will grant you each a wish," he said. "Why not," thought the blondes. "It's worth a try." "I want to be the world's best swimmer" one said, "so can swim off of the island". She then jumped in to the ocean and swam away." I want to be a bird" one said, and flew away immediately. The 3rd, and last one thought for a while. "I want to be a man. Maybe that would help." She was instantly transformed into a man, then walked across the bridge to the mainland, where she joined her two friends.

Bruce, a middle-aged Australian tourist, visits the red light district of Amsterdam and enters a large brothel. It's his first time in Europe.

The Madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain the prospective client. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

Seeing this, the Madam sends a more experienced lady over to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He again whispers in her ear and she screams and runs away!

The Madam decides that only the most experienced lady, Lola, would do!

Lola looks a bit tired, but there is nothing she hasn't done already and absolutely nothing would surprise her. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams louder than the more...

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it. "Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector. "Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!" "Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me... and he took a step forward"!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

Anybody who watches baseball knows that the Pittsburgh Pirates trade away all of their good players every year. Ok, having said that, here's the joke.
Did you hear the news? The Pirates traded away their mascot for a couple of minor league mascots!