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An old farmer in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, Horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and more...

These three guys - an American, Chinese, and German - were
shipwrecked on a desert island. The German found this smokey bottle.
So he brought it back to the other two and they all opened it togther
(the German was a really nice guy). Well, low and behold, a GENIE
POPPED OUT! The genie granted them each one wish, and of course all
three wanted to be back home. So the genie said he would grant them
their wishes.
"But first, you must all do me a favor. Mr. American - I want you
to built me a restaurant here. Mr. German - you will make the kitchen
for this restaurant. Mr. Chinaman - you will get the supplies for the
restaurant. I have a hot date waiting for me in Bagdad, so I have to
go. But I will return in ONE MONTH. At that time, if you satisfied my
requirements, I will grant your wishes."
So for one month, the three men American and German toiled while
the Oriental kinda lazed around and gave a helping hand to the more...

This Story is true! For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you *don't* know! Now get this.
I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had written the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk more...

Not being the best student in Sunday School, Patty usually slept her way through it. One Sunday the teacher decided to call on her, "Patty, tell me who invented the universe."
Patty didn't stir, so little Johnny grabbed a pin, leaned forward and poked her in the ear. "God Almighty!" yelled Patty. "Very good," said the teacher, while Patty fell back alseep.
After a few minutes the teacher again asked Patty a question. "Patty, who is our Lord and Savior?"
As usual Patty didn't stir, so again Johnny poked her in the ear with the pin. "Jesus Christ!" Patty shouted. "Very good," said the teacher, as Patty fell back to sleep yet again.
The teacher then asked Patty a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty third child?" One more time, Johnny stabbed Patty with the pin.
Patty jumped up and screamed, "If you dare stick that damn thing in me again, I'm going to break it in more...

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.
They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.
The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"
The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!"
So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.
When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.
The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican,
"What do you want on your back?"
"I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.
Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:
"What will you take on your back?"
And he responds - " I'll take the Mexican! "

Joe and Bill are working in a sawmill when Bill accidentally saws his arm off. Joe takes the arm, puts it in a plastic bag, and takes Joe to hospital. The next day, Joe finds Bill in rehab playing tennis. Wow, the wonders of modern science,"
Joe says. They go back to the sawmill and are sawing away when this time clumsy Bill cuts his leg. Joe takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag, and sends Bill to the hospital. The next day, Joe finds Bill playing football. "
Wow, the wonders of modern science,"
Joe says. They go back to work and this time Bill leans too far forward and cuts his head off. Joe takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag and rushes to the hospital. The next day, Joe visits and find no sign of Bill. "
Where's Bill?"
he asks an orderly. "
We could have saved him,"
the orderly replied,"
but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag - and the poor guy suffocated."

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he's going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and we're constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation's terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don't you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife.
"Darling" he says, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let's see how well you play that harmonica."