Bailey Jokes

Max: Here I am, once again! I'm torn into pieces...can't deny it, can't pretend! Just thought you were the one! Broken up, deep inside. But you don't get to see these tears I cry....BEHIND THESE HAZEL EYES!
Bailey: So, wha'd you do with the money?
Max: What money???
Bailey: The money your mom gave you for voice lessons!

Trial Of The Century Transcript Reveals Objectionable Methods By Dave Barry, Sunday, March 19, 1995 TRANSCRIPT, TRIAL OF THE CENTURY, DAY 257BAILIFF: Hear ye, hear ye, the court is now in sess...DEFENSE: Objection, your honor.JUDGE: To what? DEFENSE: Nothing, your honor. We're just warming up.PROSECUTION: Your honor, the people would like to state that we also have no objections at this time.DEFENSE: Objection, your honor. Every time the defense says some- thing, the prosecution always feels it has to say something.PROSECUTION: The people do not.DEFENSE: Do too.PROSECUTION: Do not.DEFENSE: Do too.DEFENDANT: OK, stop, I confess! I'm guilty! JUDGE (sternly): Order in the court! (To prosecution): Proceed.PROSECUTION: Where were we? JUDGE (checking his notes): You were on "Do not."PROSECUTION: Oh, right, thanks. Do not.DEFENSE: Your honor, the prosecution is clearly jealous of the defense because we have a lot of marquee legal talent such as F. Lee Bailey and the late Raymond more...

A feature of America On Line (AOL) is detailed member profiles. At the bottom of each profile is a space for a personal quote. Below are some that I thought were funny.
I'll never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception
- Groucho
Someone asked, "How are you", I said, "Not yet."
- Jack Bailey
If a tree falls in a forest with no one around.. does anyone care?
My way of joking is telling the truth. That is the funniest joke of all.
- G.B.Shaw
Never attribute to malice that which can be accounted for by stupidity.
I knew you'd be checking this. That's why it's strategically vague.
I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in there I'll never know.
- G.Marx
Why are you checking my profile?
Are cataracts... genetic blueblockers?
The toilet is the only place where everyone knows what they are doing.
Nancy Kerrigan has more teeth in her mouth than Jeffery Dahmer had in his entire more...

What’s the difference between F. Lee Bailey and a generalized joke about Lawyers?
One is boorish rude and insensitive, the other is just a joke!!

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the fart. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women's feet, and said in a rather stern voice, "Bailey!"

The woman thought, "This is great!", and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and more...