Bartender Jokes / Recent Jokes

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his more...

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.
The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.
The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?"
The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "
I'm so pissed off !"
"
Oh yeah? What happened?"
asked the bartender politely.
"
See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her
home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we
were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in
the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"
Gee, that's tough!"
commiserated the bartender.
"
Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated,"
the
customer went on.
"
When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"
Yeech!"
the bartender shook his head. more...

A gentleman walks into bar, and to his horror, sees a screaming naked lady tied to the wall while the bartender licks her! The guy runs out and calles the police.He is even more horrified when the police say there is nothing they can do; the bartender has lick-her (liquor) license.

Three vampires walk into a bar in Transylvania and sit on the stools. The bartender looks at the first and, in a thick Transylvanian accent, says, "May I halp you?"
The first responds with, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender turns to the second and says, "May I help you?"
The second thinks for a short time and says, "I would like... a blood."
The bartender goes over to the third and, once again, says, "May I help you?"
The third looks at him and says, "I would like... a plasma."
The bartender looks over his shoulder and says to his partner, "Give me two bloods and a blood light."

One day two men walked into the bar. Both men were exactly alike, a clone you could say. They both sat down for the bartender to fix them a drink. The first man sat down, waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When it was given to him he drunk it very fast, left, and had a happy life. The next man sat down, and waited on the bartender to fix his drink. When the drink was given to him he drunk it very slowly, and died right there on the spot. Why did the first man live but the second man die?
Answer: The bartender placed a poison in both of the drinks. The trick is, the poison was in the ice. So, the first man drank the drink so fast that the ice didn't melt, so the poison did not get in his drink. The second man drank the drink way to slow, so the ice had time to melt out into the drink. The poison got into his drink and he died.

A little duck entered a bar one day and sauntered up to the bartender. "Got any gwapes?" the duck asked.
"No, sorry," the bartender replied. The duck left the bar, disappointed.
The next day, the duck walked into the bar again and asked, "Got any gwapes?"
"I told you yesterday, no, I don't!' the bartender answered angrily. The duck left, even more disappointed.
The following day, the duck walked into the bar again and asked, "Got any gwapes?"
"No! I told you, I do not have any grapes. If you dare to come in here one more time and ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" bellowed the bartender.
The next day, the duck waddled into the bar yet again. As the bartender eyed him suspiciously, he asked, "Go any nails?"
"No, why?" asked the bewildered bartender.
"Got any gwapes, then?" asked the duck.