Bath Jokes / Recent Jokes

Do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-o together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath
Love: A romantic candle-light dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals. . . to go
Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet
Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?
Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice
Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing.. . "
Love: Lending your jacket to your love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm. . . "
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of more...

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

Some people have the misconception that cats never have to be bathed. That somehow they "lick" themselves clean. Well contrary to this popular belief, cats do NOT have some enzyme in their saliva that resembles Tide (with or without bleach).
Cats, like their nemesis, the dog, do get dirty and have a variety of odors, from smelling like the outhouse where you camped last year to the same odor as your dog's breath. (Remember, your dog will try to eat anything.) Now we all know that cats HATE water. And we know that giving the cat a sedative to ease this process of a bath is out of the question.
So, the best approach is both sneaky and direct. Remember now, this is not the dumb dog who can be led to tub with lies and a trail of Kibbles and Bits.
Although your cat has the advantage of smarts, quickness and total lack of concern for you, you have the advantage of size, strength, and the ability to wear protective garments.
1. First, dress for the occasion. A more...

Hotel guest: Can you give me a room and a bath, please? Porter: I can give you a room, but youll have to wash yourself.

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking." Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions." The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same more...

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had done.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily."I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of more...

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died? ”. The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. er.. no.. what happened? ”. The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there! ”