Bed Jokes / Recent Jokes

When the young groom came to bed on his wedding night, he was surprised to find a large padlocked chest at the foot of the bed.
"What's that for?" he asked his wife.
She wouldn't tell him, saying only that the contents were a secret she could never share with him. Reluctantly her gallant husband honored her privacy and considered the odd matter closed.
Years passed, and finally, on their fiftieth wedding anniversary, the husband's curiosity got the best of him. He approached his wife and literally begged her to tell him what was inside the chest. Gazing into his pleading eyes, she smiled and agreed to open the chest.
Fetching the key, she raised the lid: Inside were two ears of corn and fifty thousand dollars.
"Corn?" said the surprised old man. "What in heaven's name is that for?"
"Well," his wife confessed, "every time I cheated on you I put an ear of corn in the chest."
The man looked from his wife more...

There Was An Elderly Man At Home, Upstairs, Dying In Bed.
He Smelled The Aroma Of His Favourite Chocolate Chip Cookies Baking. He Wanted One Last Cookie Before He Died. He Fell Out Of Bed, Crawled To The Landing, Rolled Down The Stairs And Crawled Into The Kitchen Where His Wife Was Busily Baking Cookies.
With His Last Remaining Strength He Crawled To The Table And Was Just Barely Able To Lift His Withered Arm To The Cookie Sheet.
As He Grasped A Warm, Moist Chocolate Chip Cookie, His Favorite Kind, His Wife Suddenly Whacked His Hand With A Spatula.
Gasping For Breath, He Asked Her, "Why Did You Do That?"
"Those Are For The Funeral."

A woman had 8 children, all of them boys. So, one day a magazine sent a journalist to her house for an interview. He asked her about the boys and what their names were; she sid' Kevin'.' Right', he said,' what about that blond one over there?'' Kevin', she said.' Oh, and the tall one with the freckles?'' Kevin', she said.' Well, and the little chubby one with the baseball cap?'' Kevin', she said.' Are all your boys called Kevin?' he asked,' isn't that terribly complicated?'' Not at all', she said,' it makes everything very easy, actually. When I shout: Kevin, tea is ready!, they all come. When I say: Kevin, it's time for bed!, they all go to bed.'' I see. But what if you want only one of them?'' No problem.' she answers.' Then I call them by their surnames.'

Women One Liners1. How many honest intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them. 2. Why don't women blink during foreplay? They don't have time. 3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Not one will stop to ask directions. 4. What do men and sperm have in common? They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being. 5. How does a man show he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer. 6. What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds eventually mature. 7. Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them. 8. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know; it has never happened. 9. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking? They already have boyfriends. 10. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow. 11. Why are married women heavier than single women? Single women come home, see what's in more...

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel. The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the couch and you take the bed. Sister: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket. Ten minutes later... Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right... more...

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says:' I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine.'

His second friend says:' I think my wife is having an affair with the plummer the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine.'

Paddy says:' I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.' Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.' No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.'

Id love you to stay the night, but Im afraid youll have to make your own bed. Oh, thats all right, I dont mind at all. Right. Heres a hammer, a saw, and some nails. The woods in the garage. I have four legs, but only one foot. What am I? A bed