Begin Jokes / Recent Jokes

Picard: "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your
attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been
able to access their command pathways?"
Geordi: "Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by
searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing
technology."
Geordi presses a key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.
Riker looks puzzled. "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"
Data turns to answer. "Allow me to explain. We will send
this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command
pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming
system resources at an unstoppable rate."
Picard: "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't
they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"
Data: "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it
creates a new version of itself more...

St. Peter greets him at the Pearly Gates and says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven."
Forest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St Peter. I was looking forward to this. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.
St. Peter goes on, "I know, Forest, but the test has only three questions:
1)What days of the week begin with the letter T?
2)How many seconds are there in a year?
3)What is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions more...

A professor of a Freshman Psychology course had a class of 400 students. His final exam was scheduled very early 8am-10am.The professor told his students that his final was not a cumulative final and just covered the information since the last midterm, so in essence, the final was just like a midterm and would only require 1 hour of the 2 hour alloted time. The professor told the students to bring a large Blue Book (fyi: a Blue Book is a standard testing tool used throughout many universities. It's basically a thin 10 blank pages of college ruled notebook paper with a blue cover. They are purchased at the student book store.) The professor was adament that the students were only going to have 1 hour and not one minute more to complete the essay style exam.The students requested the exam to begin at 9am instead of 8am since they only had an hour. The professor denied the request because the professor prefered to use the second hour to begin grading the exams. The students moaned at the more...

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with OnceUpon A Time?" And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with' If Elected I promise...'"

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with OnceUpon A Time?"And he replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with If Elected I promise..."

You can achieve a "Runner's High" by sitting up. The Sun is too loud. Trees begin to chase you. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee. You can hear mimes. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly. Things become "Very Clear." You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You begin speaking in a language that only you and Chanelers can understand. The less sense matter and matter is more than sense. You and Reality file for divorce. You can skip without a rope. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before. You have great more...

Signs She's Getting Bored Having Sex With You

When you request sex, she replies, "Wait' til the Nyquil kicks in."

Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.

Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"

Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.

Only moans during commercial breaks.

Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.

Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.

Runs for vacant Senate seat in New York.

You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.

You begin to suspect she is only "playing" dead.

Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.

Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

Keeps asking, "Are you SURE you're not gay?"

Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry more...