Below Jokes / Recent Jokes

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, with no scuba gear on whatsoever.
The diver went below another 10 feet, but the guy joined him a minute later. The diver went below 15 more feet, a minute later, the same guy joined him.
This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment? ”
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, “I’m drowning, you moron! ”

The day everyone dreaded had finally come - Quasimodo had died and the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame was in a quandry. Who would ring the bells now that Quasimodo was gone?
A message was sent throughout the streets of Paris that a bellringer was needed as soon as possible. The Bishop decided that he would personally interview each candidate for the position.
On the first day of receiving prospective personnel, he went up to the church belfry and left word below that all applicants would have to demonstrate their ability with the bells. After watching several people go through the motions, he was about to call it a day when a lone armless man approached him and announced he wanted the job.
The Bishop was amazed. "You have no arms!"
"It doesn't matter", said the man, "observe!"
He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop could not believe his eyes and ears and just as more...

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"
The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."
The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"
The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?"The man yells back, "About a half mile from town."Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer."The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?"The first says, "That? s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant."

Test for Dementia
"It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important that we keep mentally alert The saying; "If you don't use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so.. Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So, take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it or are still "with it," The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you have made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and... begin.
WELL MAYBE NOT THAT CLEAR!
1. What do you put in a toaster?

One day, Heaven suddenly became extremely full, and something had to be done. So The Lord decided to have St. Peter wait at the gate and ask everyone how they died. If it was a grisly story they told, they could go ahead into Heaven. But if not, they had to go to Hell.
The first man walks up and St. Peter tells him what's happening. "You see, Heaven is quite full today, and we have to ask everyone
how they died. If it sounds good, you can go ahead. But if not, you go to Hell."
"Ok," the man says. "Well, for a while I've been suspecting my wife of cheating on me. So today I thought I'd leave work early and catch her. Sure enough, I got to my apartment building and she was lying naked on the bed. I ran all over the apartment searching for the man but couldn't find him. Then I remembered that we live on the 25th floor of an apartment building, and we have a balcony. And there was the man, hanging off my balcony. I beat at his hands and he just more...

A woman in her 90's is distraught after the death of her warm, caring, faithful husband of seventy years. She can't live without him and decides that the best way to do herself in is to stab herself in her pitifully broken heart. Still, she doesn't want to linger so she calls a doctor to find out exactly where the heart is. He tells her to put her first two fingers together, hold them horizontally and place the tip of the first finger just below her left nipple. The heart, he says, is immediately below the first knuckle on her second finger. Later that day, the doctor is called to the emergency room to put fourteen stitches in the elderly woman's left thigh.