Bible Jokes / Recent Jokes

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hoteland offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped himand reminded him he was a holy man." It's O. K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl askedto see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to thefirst page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girlputs out!"

The bible
The following statements about the Bible were written by children. o In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
o Lot`s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
o Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they ate unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
o The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
o Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to find the ten amendments.
o The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
o The seventh commandment is "Thou shalt not admit adultery."
o The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
o David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
o Solomon, one of David`s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines

In a small southern town I saw a wonderful nativity scene, but one feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a convenience store on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets.

She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage.

Sticking it in my face, she said, "See, it says right here,' The three wise men came from afar!'"

"Why do you keep reading the Bible every day?" the teenage girl asked her grandfather.
"Well, it's a bit like cramming for your final exam," said Granddad.

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody - it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with more...

Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? -JaneDear GOD, I read the Bible. What does' begat' mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, AlisonDear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -LucyDear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -AnitaDear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? -JaneDear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -NanDear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. -DarlaDear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. more...

Mr U-Rawana, though a strong Buddhist, enjoyed reading the Bible immensely. One day, after reading the bible, our good friend was visibly upset and this was noticed by his wife too. She was curious to know as to what had made her so upset.
After wiping his tears, Mr U-Rawan explained to his wife the cause of his grief. "see dear.... I never expected the end of such a noble personality to be so tragic and miserable. Do you know that he died in a gunny bag?" Mrs U-Rawana, the better educated of the two knew that her husband has blundered somwhere again.
She grabbed the the bible from her husband and began to read it. To her amusement, she found the last sentence therein which read as "......... Thus the Jesus Christ died in agony."
Our good friend had read it as "Thus the Jesus Christ died in a gony" (Gony in Sinhala means gunny bag).