Bird Jokes / Recent Jokes

((( Got this from a colleague. Possibly apocryphal, purportedly
true. In any case, too good to keep quiet. Enjoy! HR )))
The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields
on airplanes. They point this thing at the windshield of the
aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-
craft normally flies at it. If the windshield doesn't break,
it's likely to survive a real collision with a bird during
flight.
The British had recently built a new locomotive that could
pull a train faster than any before it. They were not sure
that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the
testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the
maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken,
and fired. The bird went through the windshield, broke the
engineer's chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of
the engine cab.
They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the
FAA to more...

An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barnyard.
Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.' So, they're trying to replace me, thinks the old rooster. I've got to do something about this.' He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finish's first gets to have all the hens for himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the more...

An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer."There," he said. "Maybe he'll cool off in there."For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent. A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, "If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary."Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke."If you don't mind, may I ask what more...

Last year at Christmas time, my mom went to my sister’s house for the
traditional holiday feast.
Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick.
She told my sister that she needed something from the store and asked if my
sister wouldn’t mind going out to get it.
When my sister left the house, mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the
mixed stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey… then
re-stuffed the turkey.
She then placed the bird(s) back into the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and
proceeded to remove the stuffing.
When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the smaller
bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, “Barbara, you’ve
cooked a pregnant bird! ”
At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry hysterically.
It took the more...

1. Coca-cola was originally green.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than for the US Treasury.
3. Smartest dogs: 1) border collie; 2)poodle; 3)golden retriever.
4. Dumbest dog: Afghan
5. Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.
6. Men can read smaller print than women; women can hear better.
7. Chances that an American lives within 50 miles of where they grew up: 1 in 2
8. Amount American Airlines saved in '87 by taking out 1 olive from each salad served in first class: $40,000
9. City with the most Rolls Royce's per capita: Hong Kong
10. State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska
11. Chances of a white Christmas in New York: 1 in 4
12. Portion of US annual rainfall that falls in April: 1/12
13. Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
14. Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
15. Estimated % of American adults who go on diet each year: 44%
16. Barbie's measurements if she more...

A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Anxious to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but, in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

Seeing the results and panicking the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into the freezer to cool off.

Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife comes home and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel. He runs and looks in the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the bird breathing heavily, drained with sweat and totally exhausted.

"What happened?" the man asks, "You were in there for hours and yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?"

The cockatiel pants: "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs on a frozen chicken?"

Lesson One
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow &asked him, "Can I also sit like you &do nothing all day Long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson?..........To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly more...