Body Jokes / Recent Jokes
In a small town in the rural south, poor, fun-loving, good-ole'-boy
Billy Bob died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad, and the morgue needed
someone to identify the body. So, his two buddies, Jimmy Lee and Donnie Ray,
went down to the morgue.
Jimmy Lee went in first, and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Jimmy Lee said "Yep, he's burnt so bad, I can't tell from the front. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over. Jimmy Lee took one look at his ass and
said "Hell no, that ain't Billy Bob."
The mortician didn't say anything but thought that was kind of
strange. Then he brought in Donnie Ray to identify. the body. Donnie Ray took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, rollhim over."
The mortician rolled him over. Donnie Ray looked down at his ass and said
"No, that ain't Billy Bob."
The mortician said "How can you tell?" Donnie Ray said "Well, Billy Bob had two more...
(name withheld) Minnetonka, MN 55345Superior Health Insurance ATTN: Claims Review 1423 W. 90th St. New York, NY 05016Dear Sir:This letter is in response to your recent letter requesting a more detailed explanation concerning my recent internment at Methodist Hospital. Specifically, you asked for an expansion in reference to Block 21A.(3) of the claim form (reason for hospital visit). On the original form, I put "Stupidity". I realize now that this answer was somewhat vague and so I will attempt to more fully explain the circumstances leading up to my hospitalization.I had needed to use the restroom and had just finished a quick bite to eat at the local burger joint. I entered the bathroom, took care of my business, and just prior to the moment in which I had planned to raise my trousers, the locked case that prevents theft of the toilet paper in such places came undone and, feeling it striking my knee, unthinkingly, I immediately, and with unnecessary force, returned the lid more...
A pretty woman was serving a life sentence in prison. Angry and
resentful about her situation, she had decided that she would rather
die than to live another year in prison. Over the years she had
become good friends with one of the prison caretakers.
His job, among others, was to bury those prisoners who died in a
graveyard just outside the prison walls. When a prisoner died, the
caretaker rang a bell, which was heard by everyone. The caretaker
then got the body and put it in a casket.
Next, he entered his office to fill out the death certificate before
returning to the casket to nail the lid shut. Finally, he put the
casket on a wagon to take it to the graveyard and bury it.
Knowing this routine, the woman devised an escape plan and shared it
with the caretaker. The next time the bell rang, the woman would
leave her cell and sneak into the dark room where the coffins were
kept.
She would slip into the coffin more...
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."
"My more...
A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it.
When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry,
I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.
You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese,
10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you.
On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.
There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is more...
Bits of information to help you through the day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm... )
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
The male more...
A Second OpinionA man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming forhelp. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has himput his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines thestill, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that hisdog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and notwilling to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and putsthe cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body andfinally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man andsays, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinksyour dog is dead too."The man, more...